Thursday, January 8, 2015

The Biggest Loser is my Life

I wrote this about a month ago but never posted it. It's still kind of relevant. And while it doesn't deal specifically with the whole not eating sugar thing, it's not completely unrelated. It's kind of personal but not something I haven't talked about with probably most people who read this. It will probably turn into a novel so beware.

Lately, our house has been watching a couple seasons of the Biggest Loser. It's probably the one show that all of us will watch together, and thanks to Kate's free amazon prime account (has she told you about it yet? she only mentions it every day...haha) we've been watching past seasons. There was one episode where the contestants travel to Hawaii, and one of the guys confesses to binging when they got there because of the change and feeling overwhelmed. They dig deeper into the contestants' feelings of being out of control with food, and how they got there. I can completely relate. No, I'm not 300 lbs, but I have my own issues with food. They talk a lot about self esteem, not feeling like you're "good enough". I've really been trying to change how I feel about myself, but my default is often to feel unconfident and like everyone else knows what they're doing more than me. I felt that way at work for quite a while. I probably knew at least as much as most of my coworkers, if not way more, about coaching, but I still always felt like everyone knew way more than me. It's not just at work, either. It was in school all the way through college and in a lot of other aspects of life. I often won't even try something if I think I won't succeed.
What I was trying to say with all that is that my weight really affects me. I know a lot of people say your problems won't disappear when you lose weight, but there are a lot of things that I know will improve. How I feel about myself, but also my ability to do things I want to do. My weight right now makes it more difficult for me to run and workout, and is harder on my joints. My clothes don't fit well, so I don't go out much and do things because I don't really have anything to wear. Wearing spandex and workout clothes to work is both a blessing and a curse. I know I'll still be me if I lose weight, but a more confident version of myself.
And this brings me to some important people in my life. It's hard for me to realize what an influence I have on people or that people view me differently than I view myself. Which is why it was such a shock that I was named employee of the year. When I lived in Germany, my friend/coworker/housemate/fellow act like a 2-year-old was inspired to become healthier because of my habits. She went so far as to call me one of her two fitness gurus. We started eating more fruits and vegetables, and she lost several pounds and grew noticeably stronger while I... stayed the same. Maybe even gained a couple lbs. And last year Kate, partly because of my constant lectures and partly because of a book I loaned her, changed a lot of her habits to include less processed food and went vegan. I guess the 50k was her idea, but I knew her a few months before that and I don't think she would have had enough energy to do something crazy like that. Kate dropped weight quickly, started sleeping better, had way more energy, and has recently started working out like 12 times a day. And I just found out, through her (and me), our friend Betsy turned vegetarian and now Alissa's on a vegan journey. Even my cousin Matt basically quit eating meat, which really didn't have much to do with me, but he remembered a lot of things I ate and said on our bike trip 2 1/2 years ago and they stuck with him and helped him change.
None of these people needed to lose weight or were unhappy in any way with their lives or their bodies, but the changes that happened were drastic and visible. Meanwhile, I might just stay at the same weight instead of gaining even when I'm eating super healthy and exercising like crazy. With all my interest in health and nutrition, I've never experienced what others have - no drastic change in my body, athletic ability, energy levels, anything.
Which brings me to today. I was doing just great without sugar this past week, until today. Or yesterday I guess. I ate cheese, and then tonight, shocker, I ate SUGAR. I felt once again out of control. I don't really know what triggered it or why I did it, because my day was actually pretty great, but I feel like I'm back at square 1. I really need this, and I really just want to feel like myself again. It's been a long time. I'm going to try to be better about blogging and holding myself accountable, and thank goodness Kate is doing it too! Or I probably would have quit today. 

1 comment:

  1. You may or may not have quit without me, but I never would have started without you! Snowball effect, man.